


Cookies

by VioVayo



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Angst, Ed is useless, Gen, Happy Birthday S.!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-21
Updated: 2015-12-21
Packaged: 2018-05-08 03:05:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5480951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VioVayo/pseuds/VioVayo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He always managed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cookies

**Author's Note:**

  * For [saltedshotgun](https://archiveofourown.org/users/saltedshotgun/gifts).



> It's [Edroys'](http://edroys.tumblr.com/) birthday today! Happy birthday S.! I really hope you like this!
> 
> Huge thanks to [Edwardsroy](http://edwardsroy.tumblr.com/) and [Berg](http://obersten.tumblr.com/), and everyone else who gave their opinion on this, for motivating me while writing this and acting as a beta reader. She only deserves the best and you helped make this as good as possible!

Edward was fine. He was _fine_. Really, he was.

There was no reason for him not to be. He had finally reached his goal, had gotten his brother’s body back and saved millions of lives! He was fine.

And yet, now that he thought about it, was he really? It was a thought that had been sitting at the back of his mind for quite a while now, even though he already knew the answer. After all, he had achieved everything he ever wanted, and even more than that. He didn’t regret anything, and if he was given the ability to turn back time, he would still make the same decision all over again without hesitation.

Everything was good. He was happy.

He was _fine_.

He was fine.

“Brother?”

Ed looked up at the sound of his brother’s voice to find Alphonse standing before him in the kitchen – Alphonse, with his skin and blood and bones and _oh god_ , his eyes were shimmering like gold. He looked worried, eyebrows drawn together and eyes wide, and even after all this time Edward still thought it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

“Are you okay?” Al asked, sounding concerned.

“Yeah,” Ed replied, “I’m okay.”

Alphonse didn’t seem convinced at all. He raised an eyebrow. It was wonderful! “Are you sure?” His voice sounded so clear and pure, not at all tinny and hollow like it had been for so many years before. “You’ve been staring at that bowl of cookie dough for twenty minutes without saying a word. Or moving.”

Edward looked down and – oh, right, he had promised Winry he’d bake cookies for when that one important customer she’d been going on about all week came over, since she was too busy working to do it herself. Ed stared at the cookie dough for a moment, then looked back up at Al. “Oh,” he simply said. Then, “I’m fine.”

“Are you _sure?_ ” Alphonse repeated.

“I’m sure.” And then Ed smiled at Al, and Al slowly started smiling back, and even though the worry was still present on his brother’s face, Edward didn’t care, because his brother _had_ a face, and he could _smile_ with it, and in that moment everything was really alright, everything was perfect, everything was _worth it._

He was fine.

“If you say so, brother. You should get to work on those cookies though. Winry will murder you if you don’t get them done in time after you promised her you would. Do you want me to help you?”

Of course, the cookies. He’d forgotten about them again. “No, it’s okay.” Edward shook his head. “I can take care of them.”

“Okay then.” Al’s smile was so soft and warm, and seeing it still made Ed feel tingly all over. “Don’t make a mess,” he said, before turning around, and with a last quick glance thrown over his shoulder – his real, flesh and blood shoulder – Alphonse left the kitchen.

Edward looked back down at the bowl of dough in his hands. Right. Cookies. Baking.

Baking was easy. He was good at baking. It reminded him a lot of alchemy, and alchemy was also something he was good at – hell, he had his brother’s body to prove it!

Yes, it was all worth it. Just being able to see his brother smile, or frown, or – _anything_ , really. It was all worth it in the end.

This was fine. _He was fine._

Ignoring the dark thoughts that had plagued him way too often recently, Edward got to work.

\-----------------

It all started, like so many other things in his life did for some reason, with Roy.

“So,” Mustang said, expression kept carefully neutral as he eyed the papers in his hand. “This is it?”

Edward stood, back straight and mouth dry, trying his hardest to keep his trembling hands under control. This wasn’t supposed to be so hard. This was supposed to be easy. He had come here expecting a fight, some kind of conflict, anything but the calm acceptance the man was displaying now. He should be happy.

Why wasn’t he happy?

Edward nodded. “Yes.”

“I see.” Mustang sighed as he put down the resignation forms and looked up at Edward instead. “It saddens me that the first thing I get to read after having my eyesight restored is this, but of course I understand.”

“Shut up, you bastard! You knew this was coming!” Ed snapped. He felt so – irritated? There was no reason for him to feel this way, but he did, and it was impossible to ignore. “I got what I wanted. There’s no reason for me to stay!”

“Edward, is there something wrong?”

“No,” Edward practically spat. He shouldn’t be bothered by this situation, and that frustrated him to no end. There was a painful knot in his chest that wasn’t supposed to be there, and every second Mustang looked at him like that, looked at him with such indifference, only made it worse. He had stayed up for hours last night, coming up with arguments to support his decision to leave the military, even though he knew he didn’t have to justify it to anyone, and now the man didn’t even care!

“No,” Ed repeated, more calmly this time. There was no reason for him to get so worked up over this. “I don’t need you anymore.”

“Of course not,” Mustang said flatly, and Ed froze.

Because that was exactly the problem, wasn’t it.

He didn’t need Mustang. But Mustang didn’t need him either. Edward was useless without his alchemy, worthless, like a bird with its wings clipped, and why should Mustang want him to be a part of his team if he couldn’t fly?

It made Ed feel so frustrated and angry and, if he was completely honest, it made him feel scared.

“Anything else?” Mustang asked. Edward wanted to – no, he didn’t want to cry. He wanted to scream, to kick and punch something. It just wasn’t fair! He couldn’t even blame Mustang for not wanting Ed to stay. The man needed allies he could rely on, people that could help him reach his goal, not useless ex-alchemists that would only hold him back.

Besides, this was what Ed wanted. Ever since he had joined this military.

But this wasn’t fair.

“No,” Ed hissed, fighting the urge to put his fist through the nearest wall. His newly restored non-automail hand wouldn’t appreciate it.

“Well then, congratulations.” Mustang’s eyes were detached and cold. They reminded Ed more of ice than the fire they usually represented. “You’re a free man now. Feel free to leave whenever you like.”

Without saying another word, Ed turned around and walked away. Fine then, if Mustang didn’t want him, he would just leave. He didn’t care. He’d be fine. He slammed the door shut behind himself.

\-----------------

Life without alchemy was – well, not _hard_ , exactly. It was tolerable, actually. It was manageable. It was tedious as fuck.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to help you?” Al asked. Ed glared at the hammer in his hands like it was personally responsible for everything wrong in the world. No, he would figure it out on his own. He had burned this house down with his own two hands, and he would rebuild it the same way, even if he had to break his fingers a thousand times to get there!

It wasn’t easy, getting used to this. His whole life, anything Edward ever wanted – or at least _almost_ anything – had only been a clap away, but now, suddenly, everything was way more complicated and frustrating. He would manage, of course. It was something he just had to deal with, whether he wanted to or not, even if it would take a lot of effort on his part. “No, I can do this.”

Al remained unconvinced. He eyed the wobbly construct that was Ed’s attempt at housebuilding sceptically. “Yes, but are you _sure?_ ”

Edward rolled his eyes. As much as he hated to admit it though, Al did have a point. His not-quite house, which was really just a couple of wooden boards and a bunch of bricks arranged in a way that sort of looked like walls, was pathetic. Giving up and letting his brother alchemically reconstruct their old home was the logical choice here, but if there was anything that Edward was most definitely not, it was a quitter. He promised both Al and himself that he was going to rebuild this house, and by truth, he was going to fucking do it!

Ed had to learn how to live without alchemy sooner or later, anyway. Alphonse wouldn’t be around to help him forever, and even if he was, Edward hated being dependent on other people. He hated being useless.

“It’s _fine!_ ” Ed growled. He definitely wasn’t pouting!

“Ed,” Al said softly, “You’ve been at this for over a year now. I don’t even know how many times you’ve started over anymore. Don’t you think it’s time to give up?”

“No!” Ed quickly said. He would not give up. He would not be a failure!

“Edward,” Al said again, in that same tone of voice that reminded Ed so much of their mother that it hurt. He flinched. Al never called him Edward unless it was serious. “You spend all of your time out here, you never talk to anyone, and you’re constantly angry. This isn’t good for you! Winry and I are worried! You need to stop this, or at least take a break. Please.”

Unsure, Edward looked at his brother. He needed to get this done. He had promised that he would, so he had to! Was that really so hard to understand?

“Please, Ed,” Al repeated. “Just take a break.”

Should he?

Maybe Alphonse was right. Ed never wanted anyone to worry about him.

“Okay.”

Al smiled, and Ed suddenly felt very, very tired. He really should take a break. He could come back and continue working tomorrow. Yes, that sounded nice. Tomorrow, after sleeping, when he wasn’t tired.

“Okay,” he said again, and Al held out a hand to him. Ed reached for it slowly, slowly, then took it. Tomorrow was another day. He’d do it right this time.

“Let’s go back,” Al said. Ed felt his hand being squeezed lightly and then he was being led back to their house – _Winry’s house_ , which she was kind enough to let them stay in – to rest. He would get back to work well rested, and this time he’d do it better!

When Edward woke up the next morning, their old house stood, bright and new, where it always had.

Al grinned at him. He looked so proud. Ed tried his best to smile back, even though all he really wanted to do was crawl into a hole and cry.

\-----------------

“Ed? Ed, where are you? I think this is for you?”

Edward flinched as Winry’s shrill voice echoed through the house. Did she have to be so loud? “In the kitchen!” he yelled back, not even trying to hide his annoyance. Seriously, couldn’t people just leave him in peace? Whatever it was that she wanted from him, it better be important! He was busy!

Ed didn’t look up from what he was doing as he heard the sound of approaching footsteps. The door creaked open and Winry poked her head in. “Ed? This just came in the mail. Says it’s from Central and it has your name on it. I think it’s impor- Ed, what are you doing?”

Rolling his eyes, Edward let the wet sponge and soap he was holding drop onto the counter, then turned around, unamused. “What does it look like?”

Winry closed her eyes and sighed, in that way she always did when she thought that Ed was being extra stupid. “Didn’t you only just clean the kitchen earlier today? Don’t you think you should be doing something else?”

“Yeah, but,” Edward started, and Winry glared at him, immediately making him shut up.

“No buts, Ed,” she said sternly. Then, in a softer tone, she added, “Look, Al and I appreciate that you want to be helpful, but you’ve got to realise that what you’re doing isn’t helping anyone. This isn’t good for you, or anyone. You should do something else.”

“But,” Ed started again, “I already cleaned the bathroom, and the living room. Kitchen is next.”

Winry made a frustrated noise in the back of her throat that sounded like she couldn’t decide whether she should groan or scream. “Ed, that’s not- You know what, forget it! Why do I even care?” And she stomped over to him – what even was her problem? – and held out a small, official looking envelope to him. “Just read this, please.”

Edward took the envelope and hesitantly turned it over in his hands. He knew this type of envelope, he had seen it before. It was the same kind that the military used. Winry was right, it was addressed to him. “What is this?” he asked.

“I don’t know.” Winry sounded annoyed. “I don’t read other people’s mail. Open it and find out.”

Ed stared at it silently for another short moment, then simply tore it open, ignoring Winry’s overdramatic sigh. He took out the letter inside, unfolded it – it was handwritten – and began to read.

“What does it say?” Winry asked curiously, and Ed shushed her with a short hand gesture.

Oh no.

“Ed?” Winry inquired again, this time sounding slightly worried.

No. _Please, no._

“Edward, is everything alright? What is it?”

“A very bad joke is what it is!” Edward growled. He glared at the letter, at the neat and tidy handwriting that could only belong to General Mustang. It was taunting him, mocking him. That bastard, how dare he!

In one swift movement, Winry snatched the letter from him. “Gimme that.” Ed grunted in protest, but he went unheard as Winry started reading. “Shut up for a moment.”

“What was that about not reading other people’s mail?” Edward asked drily.

“Yeah yeah, whatever,” Winry responded distractedly. Ed snorted, earning himself a glare. How typical. Shaking her head at his antics, Winry turned her attention back to the letter in her hands. Edward could see her eyes moving from side to side as she skimmed the text quickly. When she was finished, she handed the letter back to him. “But Ed, that’s wonderful!”

“He’s making fun of me. Nothing wonderful about that.”

“He’s offering you a job. How is that making fun of you?”

Ed stared at the letter, wishing it would just go up in flames. It stared back innocently. “He wants me to become alchemical consultant for the military. That’s just-“ Cruel. “-ridiculous!”

“And why is that?” Winry asked, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

Edward wordlessly slapped his palms together, not caring that the letter got crushed between his hands. Unsurprisingly, nothing happened. Winry raised an eyebrow.

“Okay, I see where you’re going with this, but just because you can’t transmute doesn’t mean you’re suddenly dumb.

“No, Win. You don’t understand,” Ed said, throwing a glance at the now crumpled letter. “I can’t do it. I’m not an alchemist, and Mustang knows that. He’s just being a dick because he’s an asshole.”

“You’re a brilliant alchemist, Ed. I know that, Al knows that. The General knows it, too. _Everyone_ knows that!” Winry threw her arms up in the air. “Everyone except _you_ , apparently!”

Edward shook his head. Why wouldn’t she understand? “I _was_ a brilliant alchemist, Win. I gave that up for Al, remember?” Winry looked like she wanted to say something- “And no, I don’t regret it.”

Winry sighed again. She seemed to do that pretty often. “Okay Ed, I really don’t want to deal with this right now. Just-“ She stopped, thoughtful, then continued. “Just promise me you’ll at least consider it, okay? You can’t spend the rest of your life cleaning our kitchen counter.”

Silence.

“Please, Ed. Promise you’ll at least think about it.”

Edward hesitated. Then, “Okay, fine. I’ll think about it, but that doesn’t mean I’ll accept his offer.”

“That’s all I’m asking,” Winry said, and she smiled softly at him, just like Al always did, and like their mother had. Edward smiled back.

He tore up the letter as soon as she left the room.

\-----------------

Okay, so maybe it was a lie. Maybe he wasn’t fine. Maybe he was miserable and broken. Maybe he felt like a total failure, like he was completely useless and couldn’t do even the most simple of things. But what was he supposed to do, Edward thought, staring silently at the oven, watching as absolutely nothing interesting happened. His face was warm. The cookies would be done soon.

Yes, in a few minutes, the cookies would be done. In a few hours, Winry’s important customer guy would come over. Later today, Al would feed the cats. Life would go on, and so would Ed, just like he always had, on and on and on, never stopping.

Winry would laugh, and Al would smile, and Edward would be right there with them, doing his best to help in any way he could.

And in the end, wasn’t that all he could do? There was no way to turn back time, and even if there was, he wouldn’t do it. All he could do now, all he could _ever_ do, was try to do his best, with or without alchemy.

Maybe he wasn’t fine. If he was completely honest with himself, he was far from fine.

But Ed would keep doing his best. And he would manage, somehow.

He always managed.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you, S., for being a wonderful friend.


End file.
